Strong

my heart faints at the thought of Your great love for me. It skips a beat thinking of how much you would do, what you would give just to see me come home to you.

I am at the point in my year where I would normally say, "It's time to do something else!"
You see, around fall I get very antsy and I need to go somewhere and do something. I am very change oriented. I cannot stand to be in one place for more than a year. That can be a problem, but it can also be very nice. I do want to get away. But I only want to get away for a few days at a time. I really feel like by spring I will no longer be in Portland. I have a huge desire to impact this world and I feel like I finally have His blessing. I refuse to be a christian who is all talk, and no action.

Looking back at my journal from summer I realized that I died. No longer have I been living for myself but everything I do, and everything I am because I have relied on Him to be my strength. As the joy of the Lord, I realize that strength and joy go together. I am not a strong woman by nurture. I was raised to be weak, and bendable to my surroundings and the people I am around. But Jesus has changed me. I am not who I once was. I am the girl that has joy. I don't think that people really understand how much that really means to me to have the ability to honestly say that. It's a literal miracle to know that I have joy. I realize that the only reason I am able to say that, is because I have allowed Him to be my strength.

This summer started out ridiculous. I did so many things that I am not anywhere near proud of. I have since repented and moved on. The thing is, I allowed my own depravity to catch up with me. I allowed it to overtake me. I allowed it to mess me up and lose sight. I became a closet depression case. I didn't want anybody to know. I figured they would start talking about me again. I hate it when people talk about my iniquities. I don't like everyone to know.

I was born into a sinful world. I have sinned, but I am a princess. I was born of a noble birth. There is inheritance that runs deep through my veins, just as it did through Abraham, David, and Jesus. I am loved just the same amount that they were. I am worth it. I was not called to be a lowly handmaiden, but a co-heir with Christ. I know that. That is knowledge within me that will never be taken away. I am beautiful, kind, funny, and full of hope. But, you see, the only reason that I have the ability to say, even think anything that comes close to that...is because I have leaned on Him. I have been gleaning every piece of knowledge and wisdom that I can from Him. I have indulged myself in His word. I have stayed quiet for so long, if only to listen to what He has had to say. My boldness was taken away to be refined and changed. I will stand for the things that I believe in. I will not allow people to walk over me. I am a set apart woman that is standing up for the things that He allows me to.

I have had everything stripped from me, I have been told that I don't belong, that I am a burden and that I can't do anything right...all this summer.
BUT! I have a Father that tells me the exact opposite of that.
He tells me that I am gifted. I am anointed. I am wise.

I am strong...but only because He is my strength.