A love she doesn't understand...

She yells at me in frustration, telling me that I matter to her, and that she doesn't matter to me...false. We've had this argument before and she always seems to win. I don't know how to show my love to someone who has expectations that surpass any expectations that I could ever fulfill. Never being able to measure up to who I should be has been something that has hurt me for most of my life. This love that I've been given was always conditional, and constantly thrown in my face whenever I fail. Never knowing when the next failure would come, I've learned to expect it. But that night...I gave up. I think I always knew that I would never be able to measure up to her thoughts of me that she had planned from my conception, but it finally really hit me that night. I don't know, and probably will never understand where she got this vision of who I would be, but I didn't end up that way and that just won't do. I've asked her so many times why I can't please her, why I'm not the person she wants me to be and I've never gotten a straight answer, just more yelling about something else I've done wrong that week or that day. She doesn't understand that I am not supposed to support her...I am not her crutch. I refuse to be, and that frustrates her...Sigh...I've come to realize that I will never be that woman that she expects. Its taken me 20 years to understand that; 20 years of fights, screaming, yelling, frustration, attitudes, disappointment, anger, hidden hate, and utter confusion. I can't please her. I'm tired and weak from trying so hard. I can't look to her for affirmation anymore. I'm moving forward, looking to Christ for affirmation now...which is altogether healthier, and more fulfilling. He sees me as a good daughter, though I fail, in His tender mercies He helps me back up and loves me without fail.

Mama,
Though I'm just now learning what that means and my heart is just now attaining the understanding of what love truly is, I love you...so much, whether you believe me or not. You can't stop my love. I'm sorry for everything that I never did right, and for unkind word that I ever spoke. I forgive you for all of your faults and everything that hurt me in these 20 years. This is me moving forward...
I love you.

Love,
Your Babygirl
P.S. You're beautiful.


She dropped me off that night at my friend's house, I got out of the car in the pouring rain, feeling like just another obligation. But I put a smile on my face saying, "I love you mom", shutting the door, walking through the rain crying, but not because of frustration, or anger, just a sadness knowing that I would never measure up to what she wanted and a certainty that she didn't know how much she was missing by expecting the world from a girl who couldn't provide it...

Superwoman?! (My thoughts on Proverbs 31)

This chapter is a warning, or rather advice to a man from his mother to stay away from woman who won't necessarily help him prosper. I find it wonderful that a mother would be so wise to inform her son on how to choose a queen. You see, King Lemuel needed a queen and this woman, the one in proverbs 31, yeah, her…she is the depiction of a queen.

Okay, lets start from the beginning of the chapter…his mom definitely gave his the best advice that moms can give (also, slightly cliché). You know…the normal don’t get drunk; don’t say stupid stuff, etc. But then about a 1/3 of the way through the chapter King Lemuel’s mom starts talking seriously about what his future wife should look like. I’m not a mom yet, heck, I’m not even married yet. But! I know that by the time my boys come of age, they will have ingrained in their hearts the woman that is worthy of their own individual time. Hopefully, by God’s good grace it will be the woman outlined in Proverbs 31.

But for now, it is my sincerest hope that I become the woman in Proverbs 31. The way I was raised wasn’t necessarily easy, or gentle, or loving, or really full of hope…but because of my God I am being brought into my own identity as a woman of Christ, as a Proverbs 31 woman. I am not there yet, but I am working on it.

Today, while making pumpkin cookies and cleaning Samantha’s kitchen I realized that I am good at it.  I am good at doing things that other people don’t want to do because there’s a movie going on in the next room. I am good at baking, and cooking, and cleaning, because I find peace in it. I am able to feel something that I don’t feel anywhere else. I am alone during these times but there is an overwhelming joy and peace about it, it’s as if I belong. I don’t know if that’s weird but really, I love it. I find myself wanting to stay up later to clean and make treats and make lunches for the next day. I find myself wanting to get up before everyone else and make breakfast for them. It is hardwired in my heart, and spirit to be a proverbs 31 woman (an unconventional one, but hey!), and I did not know this until recently. I always thought that I would be so different! I don’t live by the rules; I walk on the wild side. I do things differently, that’s just who I am. I am certain that once I become a wife and a mother I won’t be perfect. There will be mornings that I won’t get up early, and nights that I will be too exhausted to keep my eyes open through dinner. But to know that I will be valued above rubies? To know that I will be a joy to my children and that my husband will be thankful and feel honored to call me his? Now that’s a goal I think is worth striving for.

As the Bride of Christ we are called as women to be this woman. To be His Queen. He longs for us to get up in the morning before everyone else and prepare for the day. He yearns for us to stay up after everyone has fallen asleep to seek His face. We are all called to be Proverbs 31 women. We are valued more than rubies in His eyes…More than life even. He yearns to praise us (v.28, 29). Jesus is calling us to be a Proverbs 31 woman…for Him.

Is the proverbs 31 woman a superhero? Yes! I believe that she is an everyday superhero with a Strength* like no other. I believe that like I believe that grass is green in the spring. I also believe that as a woman, we must have Christ as our strength.

 

*Strength (Philippians 4:13)

Strong

my heart faints at the thought of Your great love for me. It skips a beat thinking of how much you would do, what you would give just to see me come home to you.

I am at the point in my year where I would normally say, "It's time to do something else!"
You see, around fall I get very antsy and I need to go somewhere and do something. I am very change oriented. I cannot stand to be in one place for more than a year. That can be a problem, but it can also be very nice. I do want to get away. But I only want to get away for a few days at a time. I really feel like by spring I will no longer be in Portland. I have a huge desire to impact this world and I feel like I finally have His blessing. I refuse to be a christian who is all talk, and no action.

Looking back at my journal from summer I realized that I died. No longer have I been living for myself but everything I do, and everything I am because I have relied on Him to be my strength. As the joy of the Lord, I realize that strength and joy go together. I am not a strong woman by nurture. I was raised to be weak, and bendable to my surroundings and the people I am around. But Jesus has changed me. I am not who I once was. I am the girl that has joy. I don't think that people really understand how much that really means to me to have the ability to honestly say that. It's a literal miracle to know that I have joy. I realize that the only reason I am able to say that, is because I have allowed Him to be my strength.

This summer started out ridiculous. I did so many things that I am not anywhere near proud of. I have since repented and moved on. The thing is, I allowed my own depravity to catch up with me. I allowed it to overtake me. I allowed it to mess me up and lose sight. I became a closet depression case. I didn't want anybody to know. I figured they would start talking about me again. I hate it when people talk about my iniquities. I don't like everyone to know.

I was born into a sinful world. I have sinned, but I am a princess. I was born of a noble birth. There is inheritance that runs deep through my veins, just as it did through Abraham, David, and Jesus. I am loved just the same amount that they were. I am worth it. I was not called to be a lowly handmaiden, but a co-heir with Christ. I know that. That is knowledge within me that will never be taken away. I am beautiful, kind, funny, and full of hope. But, you see, the only reason that I have the ability to say, even think anything that comes close to that...is because I have leaned on Him. I have been gleaning every piece of knowledge and wisdom that I can from Him. I have indulged myself in His word. I have stayed quiet for so long, if only to listen to what He has had to say. My boldness was taken away to be refined and changed. I will stand for the things that I believe in. I will not allow people to walk over me. I am a set apart woman that is standing up for the things that He allows me to.

I have had everything stripped from me, I have been told that I don't belong, that I am a burden and that I can't do anything right...all this summer.
BUT! I have a Father that tells me the exact opposite of that.
He tells me that I am gifted. I am anointed. I am wise.

I am strong...but only because He is my strength.