Following God's heart: Tricities

This is my first blog in quite some time. A lot has happened since then. I won't go into details, but God has definitely changed my entire life.
I am living in Richland, Washington now, in the Tricities!

I am beginning to understand that God doesn't necessarily do what is popular, or easy. I moved here about a month ago and a few people were unhappy about that decision. If I am being honest, it broke my heart that my moving wasn't a universal idea of excitement. As I am sitting here in my living room right now, I can't help but wonder what the heck I am doing here. My heart has been broken over this past week. Loneliness and frustration have been overwhelming me these past 7 days. A yearning for something... Knowing that if I just moved back home things would be easier, and I would have my friends and family near, stinks. It stinks because I know I am supposed to be here. A promise is being fulfilled by me being here... but it still hurts. Friends and family back in Portland and Vancouver are still moving on in their lives and I get to find out over facebook instead of seeing them, or phone calls.

Building brand new relationships is very hard. Harder than anticipated, that's for sure. People are different here and everybody knows one another so coming into a group of tightly knit people is hard. There are a couple of families that have helped with the process and are helping me feel welcomed and loved, which is wonderfully unexpected. Someone once told me that, to me, "the grass will always be greener on the other side." Unfortunately, I think they might have been right. I can't seem to settle. My heart will always long for something more. Getting closer to Jesus helps but there is still something that my heart is longing for, I don't think I'll ever be able to peg it.

Jesus feels so far away. So far. I know He is around, but I feel so alone, so very alone.

There is a different spirit here in the Tricities. People hide who they are and it feels like you will never be able to see beyond what they show you (which is very little). There is such a small selection of people my age to build relationships with.

I am attempting to move forward but it seems that it must be done at a snail's pace.


That is my life thus far in the Tricities. It seems sad. But really it's not. I have 2 jobs, I have been blessed since being here thus far, and there are people here that love me:) 

This week has just been sadder than most:)

lovelovelove:)

Father's Day and Feelings

I always title my blogs before I write them.
Probably because I tend to get off subject and looking at them makes me remember what the heck I'm talking about...

But this one, I feel like, I won't need a double take at to make sure of what I'm writing on.

I always hate Father's day, but every year just a little less than the year before. This year, I was determined to not cry. Well, I made it about five minutes into the service and the tears came.

For quite some years my heart felt like my daddy had abandoned me and I was resentful, hateful, and confused about fathers. When, however I began to trust God as my father, I had out of this world ideas as to what a dad was. I think I still do. But, I would always get upset when I saw father's mistreated or disregarded by their sons and daughters. My friends that have daddies, whether or not their parents are divorced have something I have spent my entire life longing for: Someone to run to when they're scared, hurt, confused or frustrated, someone who has a hard time saying no to them, someone that can't get enough of them and loves to see them smile. Now I know not every dad is like that. It would be foolish to think that all dads can do all of those things. But, I'm certain that in times of dire need there is DNA in a father's heart that will do anything to see their child continue on in their hopes to be a successful person.

I cannot think of a time when I have needed a father more than I have in these past 9 months. I have gone through judgment, trials, physical and spiritual pain, I have sinned beyond anybody's lowest expectations (including my own).
I have needed help, comfort, hope, peace, provision and joy.
All the things that a father is there to provide (amongst other things).
It took me a while to realize how quickly God was working in me, and I've only just today realized that it's His Father's heart that's done it all. He has given me help, comfort, hope, peace, provision, and restored my joy full measure.

Yet, that Sunday morning, I still found myself crying my eyes out. Yes, for joy in His Fatherly Love. But also in sorrow. You see, I will never get to have that childhood of a Dad, and all the benefits a young lady profits from that. But even now I long so badly for a tangible fatherly figure to yearn to raise me up and guide me, and I'm tired of being ashamed of that.

Enough of Father's Day.
Next year I won't cry from sorrow, that's my goal.
My God is a Good Dad and the rest of this year, I'm sure that, as always, He'll prove Himself faithful in that.

Love&Joy,
JenessaMichele

Pillars sculptured in palace style

Psalm 144:12- "When our sons shall be as plants grown large in their youth and our daughters as sculptured corner pillars hewn like those of a palace"

Pastor Brian, a couple years ago, made this verse be pounded into our head. I remember it to this day and chuckle about how serious he was about making sure that we understood, as a generation, who we were supposed to be. I didn't really understand it to the full extent that I do now. I had a sort of revelation yesterday while reading 1 Kings.

1 Kings 7:15-22
He fashioned the two pillars of bronze, each eighteen cubits high, and a line of twelve cubits measured its circumference.
He made two capitals of molten bronze to set upon the tops of the pillars; the height of each capital was five cubits.
Nets of checkerwork and wreaths of chainwork for the capitals were on the tops of the pillars, seven for each capital.
So Hiram made the pillars. There were two rows of pomegranates encircling each network to cover the capitals that were upon the top.
The capitals that were upon the top of the pillars in the porch were of lily work [design], four cubits.
The capitals were upon the two pillars and also above the rounded projection beside the network. There were 200 pomegranates in two rows round about, and so with the other capital.
Hiram set up the pillars of the porch of the temple; he set up the right pillar and called its name Jachin [he will establish], and he set up the left pillar and called its name Boaz [in strength].
On the tops of the pillars was lily work [design]. So the work of the pillars was finished.

This portion of scripture is just a bunch of words about how specific the temple of the Lord was to be made and how it WAS indeed made. But when the words from psalms that lie in my heart in addition to this 1Kings scripture it put me over the top.
As women of God, we are to be pillars sculptured in palace style. This description of the pillars that we sculpted for the temple of the Lord, is how I am formed! So intricate, and lovely. So specific and valuable. With love and expectation.

He is SO Good.

With Love,
JenessaMichele

Superwoman?! (My thoughts on Proverbs 31)

This chapter is a warning, or rather advice to a man from his mother to stay away from woman who won't necessarily help him prosper. I find it wonderful that a mother would be so wise to inform her son on how to choose a queen. You see, King Lemuel needed a queen and this woman, the one in proverbs 31, yeah, her…she is the depiction of a queen.

Okay, lets start from the beginning of the chapter…his mom definitely gave his the best advice that moms can give (also, slightly cliché). You know…the normal don’t get drunk; don’t say stupid stuff, etc. But then about a 1/3 of the way through the chapter King Lemuel’s mom starts talking seriously about what his future wife should look like. I’m not a mom yet, heck, I’m not even married yet. But! I know that by the time my boys come of age, they will have ingrained in their hearts the woman that is worthy of their own individual time. Hopefully, by God’s good grace it will be the woman outlined in Proverbs 31.

But for now, it is my sincerest hope that I become the woman in Proverbs 31. The way I was raised wasn’t necessarily easy, or gentle, or loving, or really full of hope…but because of my God I am being brought into my own identity as a woman of Christ, as a Proverbs 31 woman. I am not there yet, but I am working on it.

Today, while making pumpkin cookies and cleaning Samantha’s kitchen I realized that I am good at it.  I am good at doing things that other people don’t want to do because there’s a movie going on in the next room. I am good at baking, and cooking, and cleaning, because I find peace in it. I am able to feel something that I don’t feel anywhere else. I am alone during these times but there is an overwhelming joy and peace about it, it’s as if I belong. I don’t know if that’s weird but really, I love it. I find myself wanting to stay up later to clean and make treats and make lunches for the next day. I find myself wanting to get up before everyone else and make breakfast for them. It is hardwired in my heart, and spirit to be a proverbs 31 woman (an unconventional one, but hey!), and I did not know this until recently. I always thought that I would be so different! I don’t live by the rules; I walk on the wild side. I do things differently, that’s just who I am. I am certain that once I become a wife and a mother I won’t be perfect. There will be mornings that I won’t get up early, and nights that I will be too exhausted to keep my eyes open through dinner. But to know that I will be valued above rubies? To know that I will be a joy to my children and that my husband will be thankful and feel honored to call me his? Now that’s a goal I think is worth striving for.

As the Bride of Christ we are called as women to be this woman. To be His Queen. He longs for us to get up in the morning before everyone else and prepare for the day. He yearns for us to stay up after everyone has fallen asleep to seek His face. We are all called to be Proverbs 31 women. We are valued more than rubies in His eyes…More than life even. He yearns to praise us (v.28, 29). Jesus is calling us to be a Proverbs 31 woman…for Him.

Is the proverbs 31 woman a superhero? Yes! I believe that she is an everyday superhero with a Strength* like no other. I believe that like I believe that grass is green in the spring. I also believe that as a woman, we must have Christ as our strength.

 

*Strength (Philippians 4:13)

Mercy So Scandalous

It's days like today that helps me remember the mercy that was shown on calvary. It took me a long time to realize that grace and mercy are completely different, though both incredibly powerful. 

Grace is getting what you don't deserve.

Mercy is not getting what you do deserve. 

I have had to relearn that every day I have known the definition of them.  The only person that I know can convey the mercy that is necessary for day to day life is Jesus. Last night was very interesting after service with Dusty and Jeremy in the back room discussing how the enemy will do anything to keep you from being excited for the things that God has. I was stunned, to say the least, as I stood there in silence listening to these two men who Love God will ALL of their beings and whom I consider incredible brothers talk about how they allowed the enemy to control their emotions, and stamina for the night, in which they had so anticipated. That night Jesus blessed me with the return of my boldness, so my mouth opened and words actually came out! 

In II Corinthians 8:9 it says, "For you are becoming progressively acquainted with and recognizing more strongly and clearly the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ (His kindness, His gracious generosity, His undeserved favor and spiritual blessing), [in] that though He was [so very] rich, yet for your sakes He became [so very] poor, in order that by His poverty you might become enriched (abundantly supplied)." My Jesus was so inherently good that He did ALL that He could so that we could recognize that His Grace IS MORE than enough. We learn grace more and more everyday. New aspects of it and new epiphanies occur every day and that is exactly how it is supposed to be. I let them know that! Lack of Faith is NOT acceptable in the Kingdom.

Now Mercy.....mercy is a whole different story. 

Exodus 15:13

You in Your mercy and loving-kindness have led forth the people whom You have redeemed; You have guided them in Your strength to Your holy habitation.

It took me alot longer to accept mercy than it did to accept grace. If I did something wrong, I definitely deserved to be punished! The greatest example of mercy is the defeat of death itself. The bearer of the cross, Christ, made it so that we no longer need to fear death, He is on the other side waiting for us. That is the biggest deed of mercy, I think since the survivors of the fall of man. 

Human nature calls us to be demand Justice when things go wrong. Justice to the injustice! Pastor Brian has been speaking on that lately, and there is power to bringing justice to the brokenhearted, and justice to the poor and needy, justice to the widowed and orphaned. But, what if, instead of justice, we demanded mercy? How would that change the way that we think and/or administer hope? Would there be more words spoken than step taken? How different would it look? 

His mercy is so scandalous that with people like Bin Laden, Hussein, Hitler, & Stalin we demand justice, and He demands mercy. Who in the world finds a reason to be merciful to the most hated men to ever exist??? Certainly not any normal being I've met. 

I am convinced that God will do anything to get our attention. Even to the point of severe mercy. Where God will do anything to get our attention even to the point of losing everything. In order to get to the end of ourselves and into the throne room, He is willing to do anything, take away everything that you have, so that all you have is Him to cling to. Now, don't go confusing severe mercy as punishment, it is His Giant love that makes it happen. 

God has mercy so scandalous that He rescued YOU in your darkness...

Why not the darkest people? ;)

Love. :)