Following God's heart: Tricities

This is my first blog in quite some time. A lot has happened since then. I won't go into details, but God has definitely changed my entire life.
I am living in Richland, Washington now, in the Tricities!

I am beginning to understand that God doesn't necessarily do what is popular, or easy. I moved here about a month ago and a few people were unhappy about that decision. If I am being honest, it broke my heart that my moving wasn't a universal idea of excitement. As I am sitting here in my living room right now, I can't help but wonder what the heck I am doing here. My heart has been broken over this past week. Loneliness and frustration have been overwhelming me these past 7 days. A yearning for something... Knowing that if I just moved back home things would be easier, and I would have my friends and family near, stinks. It stinks because I know I am supposed to be here. A promise is being fulfilled by me being here... but it still hurts. Friends and family back in Portland and Vancouver are still moving on in their lives and I get to find out over facebook instead of seeing them, or phone calls.

Building brand new relationships is very hard. Harder than anticipated, that's for sure. People are different here and everybody knows one another so coming into a group of tightly knit people is hard. There are a couple of families that have helped with the process and are helping me feel welcomed and loved, which is wonderfully unexpected. Someone once told me that, to me, "the grass will always be greener on the other side." Unfortunately, I think they might have been right. I can't seem to settle. My heart will always long for something more. Getting closer to Jesus helps but there is still something that my heart is longing for, I don't think I'll ever be able to peg it.

Jesus feels so far away. So far. I know He is around, but I feel so alone, so very alone.

There is a different spirit here in the Tricities. People hide who they are and it feels like you will never be able to see beyond what they show you (which is very little). There is such a small selection of people my age to build relationships with.

I am attempting to move forward but it seems that it must be done at a snail's pace.


That is my life thus far in the Tricities. It seems sad. But really it's not. I have 2 jobs, I have been blessed since being here thus far, and there are people here that love me:) 

This week has just been sadder than most:)

lovelovelove:)

Roughing It

I have been unemployed since December of 2008. But by God's Good Grace I have had everything I've needed at all times, even if at times it seemed as though I was 'roughing it'. I have always had a knack for not feeling as though I lack when it something I lack in the physical. However, if you were to bring up the internal, I would tell you that more than a hundred times I have felt as though I have less than most others. In the last few months, however, I can tell you I have felt more rich internally than a normal human being. I am so blessed by the Most High. I have been given so many riches and have been lavished with so many gifts in my mere 21 years. It took me this long to realize it. Although I still have to really think about it from time to time, I know deep down in my spirit that I am a princess of the King. I deserve nothing less than what a princess deserves. I have to remember however that I don't get say in what I get, but I have the peace in knowing that if it is from God, it's the best that I could ask for or even think of. I am so grateful right now. I have a job! Win. But it's something that I am good at. I am praying that I can keep it for quite some time. I am hoping that I can bless God with this job and that I can move forward.

I have had the pure joy of being able to "rough it", it is time for me to walk with a humble regality now. I am a princess of the Most High, but I am still His lowly handmaiden, and if all I do with my life is serve Him with my whole heart? Well, then I can say that I have lived a glorious life.


Lovelovelove

Father's Day and Feelings

I always title my blogs before I write them.
Probably because I tend to get off subject and looking at them makes me remember what the heck I'm talking about...

But this one, I feel like, I won't need a double take at to make sure of what I'm writing on.

I always hate Father's day, but every year just a little less than the year before. This year, I was determined to not cry. Well, I made it about five minutes into the service and the tears came.

For quite some years my heart felt like my daddy had abandoned me and I was resentful, hateful, and confused about fathers. When, however I began to trust God as my father, I had out of this world ideas as to what a dad was. I think I still do. But, I would always get upset when I saw father's mistreated or disregarded by their sons and daughters. My friends that have daddies, whether or not their parents are divorced have something I have spent my entire life longing for: Someone to run to when they're scared, hurt, confused or frustrated, someone who has a hard time saying no to them, someone that can't get enough of them and loves to see them smile. Now I know not every dad is like that. It would be foolish to think that all dads can do all of those things. But, I'm certain that in times of dire need there is DNA in a father's heart that will do anything to see their child continue on in their hopes to be a successful person.

I cannot think of a time when I have needed a father more than I have in these past 9 months. I have gone through judgment, trials, physical and spiritual pain, I have sinned beyond anybody's lowest expectations (including my own).
I have needed help, comfort, hope, peace, provision and joy.
All the things that a father is there to provide (amongst other things).
It took me a while to realize how quickly God was working in me, and I've only just today realized that it's His Father's heart that's done it all. He has given me help, comfort, hope, peace, provision, and restored my joy full measure.

Yet, that Sunday morning, I still found myself crying my eyes out. Yes, for joy in His Fatherly Love. But also in sorrow. You see, I will never get to have that childhood of a Dad, and all the benefits a young lady profits from that. But even now I long so badly for a tangible fatherly figure to yearn to raise me up and guide me, and I'm tired of being ashamed of that.

Enough of Father's Day.
Next year I won't cry from sorrow, that's my goal.
My God is a Good Dad and the rest of this year, I'm sure that, as always, He'll prove Himself faithful in that.

Love&Joy,
JenessaMichele

Scribbles of a Quarantined girl...

I write funny.

Going through my journals yesterday out of sheer boredom, proved to me once more that my heart is somewhat....erm...romantic. I long for moments like the ideal 50's lifestyle. Honestly, I can sometimes be socially awkward because occasionally I have a tendency to envelope myself in a fantasy world, or at least yearn for one... You can credit that to my childhood and my almost constant book reading in order to escape my real life. Stories in my head have become better than the books I could read. How ever funny I write, I am a good writer.

But being a funny writer is not the point of this entry. So let's move on, yes? (yes, I do realize that I have weird structure as well. shhhh!)


I have said this alot recently, but I'm going to say it again: "I have the weirdest life EVER!"

No, seriously. It's the weirdest, craziest, funniest, most random life out of everyone I know.
At 20 years of age, almost 21 now....weird...
But at 20 years of age there has been so much crap crammed into my life.

Sure, there has been a load of sunshine, and daisies...but realistically...
I can't even begin to explain how I feel right now...

Being sick and quarantined all week (I'm supposed to be quarantined for 1-3 more weeks) has made me realize these things (again):

• I have been fearfully and wonderfully made
• I am not forgotten, no matter how much I feel like I am
• My friends are ridiculous, and I love them so much.
• My family is crazy. Period.
• I get lonely really quickly.
• My heart is restless. That's just gonna be normal from birth til death....
• I hate getting sick.
• I hate having to go to hospitals.
• I turn into a baby when I'm sick.
• Otter pops are completely underrated. I have fallen in love with them.
• The simplest thing can turn my day around...
• Words are overrated
• I am strong. Like...incredibly strong.
• I surprise myself alot.

Thinking about this year, I can't even begin to explain the change in me that has occurred. It's overwhelming, and I can't help but laugh when I think about it. 

When you ask for fire, beware, He is SO faithful...He'll make sure that you get pretty warm... ;)


Love&Joy,
JenessaMichele

Pillars sculptured in palace style

Psalm 144:12- "When our sons shall be as plants grown large in their youth and our daughters as sculptured corner pillars hewn like those of a palace"

Pastor Brian, a couple years ago, made this verse be pounded into our head. I remember it to this day and chuckle about how serious he was about making sure that we understood, as a generation, who we were supposed to be. I didn't really understand it to the full extent that I do now. I had a sort of revelation yesterday while reading 1 Kings.

1 Kings 7:15-22
He fashioned the two pillars of bronze, each eighteen cubits high, and a line of twelve cubits measured its circumference.
He made two capitals of molten bronze to set upon the tops of the pillars; the height of each capital was five cubits.
Nets of checkerwork and wreaths of chainwork for the capitals were on the tops of the pillars, seven for each capital.
So Hiram made the pillars. There were two rows of pomegranates encircling each network to cover the capitals that were upon the top.
The capitals that were upon the top of the pillars in the porch were of lily work [design], four cubits.
The capitals were upon the two pillars and also above the rounded projection beside the network. There were 200 pomegranates in two rows round about, and so with the other capital.
Hiram set up the pillars of the porch of the temple; he set up the right pillar and called its name Jachin [he will establish], and he set up the left pillar and called its name Boaz [in strength].
On the tops of the pillars was lily work [design]. So the work of the pillars was finished.

This portion of scripture is just a bunch of words about how specific the temple of the Lord was to be made and how it WAS indeed made. But when the words from psalms that lie in my heart in addition to this 1Kings scripture it put me over the top.
As women of God, we are to be pillars sculptured in palace style. This description of the pillars that we sculpted for the temple of the Lord, is how I am formed! So intricate, and lovely. So specific and valuable. With love and expectation.

He is SO Good.

With Love,
JenessaMichele

March 1st...

"The greatest thing is to be found at one's post as a child of God, living each day as though it were our last, but planning as though our world might last a hundred years."
-C.S. Lewis

Listen. I struggle with living each day as though it were my last, because I'm focusing so much on the next hundred years. But, my friend, let me tell ya somethin. I am such a blessed babygirl. He can't take His eyes off of me. He's so enamored with me, in this season I've understood that more than ever.  His everlasting light shines even brighter in my darkness. The brightside? As I am fully human there is darkness everywhere and I'm just now realizing that... God is so Good. He doesn't know any difference. 

 Today is March 1, 2010. Someone asked me if I ever imagined myself ever being where I am today. I responded quietly with a silent shake of my head. "No," I thought, "I never would have thought I'd be where I'm at.... ever" Happily, however, I remember that He did. He's always known. What a relief. His feelings about me have not changed. He's still in love with the woman He created me to be. 

 

March 1st, 2010. Wow. Can you believe it? Hah! I woke up this morning and breathed a sigh of relief, thinking that I'm one day, one month, closer to something that I just cannot wait for... I realized that I'm not living today for today. Seriously though, I am so blessed. Today was a great day. I enjoyed me. That's never happened. I didn't go stir crazy. I just began to understand a few great things about who He is, and who He created me to be, and I stopped questioning Him. I mean...Seriously, Jesus is SOOOO terrific! :D He made me just how He wanted me, and though I'm still learning who that little girl is, I'm enjoying dwelling within His love. So, March 1st came and is about to be gone and let me tell you something...though I may be a little closer that thing that I'm looking forward to, I am living for today and planning my hundreds of years...

 

Being a daughter of the King is something I'm just now learning to enjoy...
I'm loving it;)

My tears are in the palm of His hand.....right?

Yesterday, I woke up with the sun shining in my eyes. Certain the day held treasures unexplored, I leapt out of bed and cracked my Bible hoping to glean the 1st treasure the day had in store for me. It did. Reading Isaiah, His grace and mercies were overwhelmingly evident. My heart was softened. I cried out to God for myself, my broken heart, a friend that needs Him just as much as I do, and a hundred other things. I got up and readied myself still pondering the words that I had just read and how quickly they were absorbed into my heart. I, subsequently, could not stop crying. There were tears everywhere...for 5 hours they wouldn't stop. Unfortunately, I had to leave...so the tears that were meant for only me to know about were plastered on my face for the rest of the world to enjoy. I was so frustrated that the wouldn't stop. I ended up finding a hiding place in the middle of the city and sitting down talking to God. I prayed that He would hold my tears back, that they wouldn't keep coming, and that they would be held in the palm of His hand, that none should fall to the ground. After that, I remembered that He holds me in the palm of His hand, that I won't fall to the ground. The tears didn't stop for another hour or so. But my heart was a little more at peace.

Today will be a better day, I'm sure. But one thing I know is that I'll be okay. Even in the darkest of times, there's always that light.

A love she doesn't understand...

She yells at me in frustration, telling me that I matter to her, and that she doesn't matter to me...false. We've had this argument before and she always seems to win. I don't know how to show my love to someone who has expectations that surpass any expectations that I could ever fulfill. Never being able to measure up to who I should be has been something that has hurt me for most of my life. This love that I've been given was always conditional, and constantly thrown in my face whenever I fail. Never knowing when the next failure would come, I've learned to expect it. But that night...I gave up. I think I always knew that I would never be able to measure up to her thoughts of me that she had planned from my conception, but it finally really hit me that night. I don't know, and probably will never understand where she got this vision of who I would be, but I didn't end up that way and that just won't do. I've asked her so many times why I can't please her, why I'm not the person she wants me to be and I've never gotten a straight answer, just more yelling about something else I've done wrong that week or that day. She doesn't understand that I am not supposed to support her...I am not her crutch. I refuse to be, and that frustrates her...Sigh...I've come to realize that I will never be that woman that she expects. Its taken me 20 years to understand that; 20 years of fights, screaming, yelling, frustration, attitudes, disappointment, anger, hidden hate, and utter confusion. I can't please her. I'm tired and weak from trying so hard. I can't look to her for affirmation anymore. I'm moving forward, looking to Christ for affirmation now...which is altogether healthier, and more fulfilling. He sees me as a good daughter, though I fail, in His tender mercies He helps me back up and loves me without fail.

Mama,
Though I'm just now learning what that means and my heart is just now attaining the understanding of what love truly is, I love you...so much, whether you believe me or not. You can't stop my love. I'm sorry for everything that I never did right, and for unkind word that I ever spoke. I forgive you for all of your faults and everything that hurt me in these 20 years. This is me moving forward...
I love you.

Love,
Your Babygirl
P.S. You're beautiful.


She dropped me off that night at my friend's house, I got out of the car in the pouring rain, feeling like just another obligation. But I put a smile on my face saying, "I love you mom", shutting the door, walking through the rain crying, but not because of frustration, or anger, just a sadness knowing that I would never measure up to what she wanted and a certainty that she didn't know how much she was missing by expecting the world from a girl who couldn't provide it...

I can rest assured.

I sit here, alone, in my pajamas still at 1:45 in the afternoon crying in desperation at my computer. If only because my anxious heart, my needy heart, my quick moving mind cannot stop moving, thinking, squeezing... Spending the whole morning in the Word, I realize that I have only just begun to know how much I mean to Jesus. I'm going through the book of John again and I cannot begin to express my wonder at Jesus and His love. So, I'm sitting here listening to Jesus Culture needing some...encouragement, I suppose, and the Spontaneous Song from the album a few years ago comes on.

The song is now on repeat. 

In the middle of it, Kim Walker sings, "I am my Beloved's and He is mine", over and over and over again. Song of Songs is one of my favorite books in the Bible and I know that verse comes from chapter 6, and my heart bursts at the thought of Jesus listening to me sing that and being pleased. When all the enemy wants me to think is that I am very unworthy to be called the King's Beloved, and I am. But as Jesus was adopted into the Line of David, so am I adopted into the line of Jesus, because He said so. John 1:12 tells me that I have power, as I have been adopted into the family of Christ. That thought means more to me than, I think, most people can understand.

Life has been really hectic lately, if only because of my own mistakes and Jesus is restoring me and breaking things in me that I didn't even know were there. But my brain hurts, my heart hurts, and my weary spirit is gaining Strength slowly, but surely. So to be really frank, I'm tired, weak, and weary from worrying and trying to fix everything. My head tells me that if I don't do it, it won't get done. My Jesus tells me, let me fix it and it will get done the right way. My quick fixes have only made things worse. The band aids I have put over my wounds have done nothing but cover the blood from flowing out of me, and still it leaks out... But Jesus says, "take off the band aids, and I'll heal it." When I hear that, immediately my brain starts up again running a thousand miles per hour as to how I can fix it.  
silly brain.

At the end of the song, Kim sings, "I can rest assured, cause I belong to You". 

So, I'm learning that I can rest assured, because I belong to Him. There is so much peace in that thought.






I'm trusting in You now Jesus, I know You won't let me down.

In the palm of my Abba's hands

              Not having a daddy while I was growing up made it so I was deficient in areas that most of my friends aren't, even if their parents are divorced, most still know their dad. But I was lost as a girl not knowing how to act, react, or discipline myself. I knew that. I didn't know however that there was a Man that did care. A man that carried me in the palm of His hands from the day He sculpted me, put me in the kiln, and then painted me. Then? Then He called me lovely and made it so I was without fault. Then He sent me away. The story could stop there. The Creator made me. That could be the End. But this is something you gotta know. Not only is my Father a Creator... but my Father is an Author. Before He sent me here, He wrote 2 VERY important things regarding me. Before the dawn of creation, He wrote a book, this book was called Jenessa, it was my story. He wrote all of the good things, all of the bad things, all of the boring genealogy (that always ends up being super important). Also, a very long time ago, He wrote an instruction manual (The Bible) for all of mankind and I was lucky enough to get my hands on one of those.

            There have been seasons in my life that I have sat and rested in my Abba's palm, leaning back to know that He is here, to know that He is ever-faithful, ever-true. There have been seasons where I have been angry and frustrated at my Royal Dad. There have seasons when He has filled me with the Spirit, more than I thought I could ever hold as I am such a small vessel. But the season that I am in now has no definition yet. There is a righteous indignation in my heart at this world, at my small life, and at what He has made me capable of vs. what I have actually done. My heart is so big, I am filled with humility when I look at His word, when I look at His creation, and what they've done to themselves outside of His will. I don't understand His will for this world, a desperate world without hope. I am called to be a light, and people are attracted to light, I believe that I am a very bright light, because people are drawn to me. I believe in the promises that He has for my words. This season my heart is compressed, and urged to move forward in His callings, to move forward in His anointing for me, and I am...but every day I am convicted to speak to the nations, to use my hands for His hands, to go where He needs to go and I end up saying little things that seem meaningless, touching things that end up dying, and going where I want to go. I am a selfish creature that is learning how to become selfless in all that I do instead of just the things that I think are worthy of my time.

So this season, I'm in my Abba's palm, but He's taking me where He needs me to be, and I'm excited.

Multitude Monday

So, Pastor Elizabeth started doing "Multitude Monday" a while ago and has been encouraging everyone to do it. I looked into it today and it seems to be something that sounds great, and challenging. I decided to do it.

So by the end of the year, (which is my personal goal), I will have had 1,000 things that I am thankful for on this blog.

Here we go:
I am thankful that:
1. I am alive and well.
2. I am a saint lacking nothing.
3. Jesus is wholly, and unwaveringly in love with me.
4. I have a family.
5. I am rich in Him.
6. Through my despair and hopelessness, His word stands strong.
7. Though I have been wounded, His stripes have healed me.
8. My friends are worth dying for.
9. I have the ability to minister in any atmosphere, because He has enabled me to.
10. I am a beauty.
11. I am strong.
12. My hiding place is in His hands
13. I live in a country that is able to freely worship Him.
14. My life revolves around Him.
15. There is a reason for every season.

This is this weeks installment of Multitude Monday.

What are you thankful for?

Unprepared!!

Ephesians 6:13:

Be prepared. You're up against far more than you can handle on your own. Take all the help you can get, every weapon God has issued, so that when it's all over but the shouting you'll still be on your feet. Truth, righteousness, peace, faith, and salvation are more than words. Learn how to apply them. You'll need them throughout your life. God's Word is an indispensable weapon. In the same way, prayer is essential in this ongoing warfare. Pray hard and long. Pray for your brothers and sisters. Keep your eyes open. Keep each other's spirits up so that no one falls behind or drops out.S

 I was definitely slapped in the face today. Completely unprepared for what was blatantly happening in the spiritual realm in the lives of my friends. The enemy has completely taken advantage of the lives of the people closest to me and perverted it to be horrifying to them. I spent my day frantically getting ready for a frate with a new friend, spending a few minutes with my cousin, and then leaving for a 5 hour frate, then coming home, watching my favorite show, and thinking about taking a nap. Meanwhile, outside of "LaLa Land", lives of two separate people that I am very close to are being individually, in completely different ways, torn apart. Wow. Can I say "UNPREPARED"?!?!?! I had no words to say, all I could do was hold them and tell them it was going to be okay. That God knew, and had them covered. As they cried in my arms, it was all I could do to not cry myself.

I don't do well with grief. I get away from it in anyway possible. I don't know how to cope and so I don't. I pretend it doesn't happen. Which is abnormal. Everyone always has an emotional reaction whereas my emotions tend to die and I become like a stone. So really I had no idea how to deal with it, so I stayed silent. I hope I did the right thing. I yearn to be a good friend. But next  time, I will be prepared. I will have words of wisdom. In the meantime, I will fight. That's what good friends do. I will fight for their lives and Jesus will intercede too. They'll be okay. I just know it.

Superwoman?! (My thoughts on Proverbs 31)

This chapter is a warning, or rather advice to a man from his mother to stay away from woman who won't necessarily help him prosper. I find it wonderful that a mother would be so wise to inform her son on how to choose a queen. You see, King Lemuel needed a queen and this woman, the one in proverbs 31, yeah, her…she is the depiction of a queen.

Okay, lets start from the beginning of the chapter…his mom definitely gave his the best advice that moms can give (also, slightly cliché). You know…the normal don’t get drunk; don’t say stupid stuff, etc. But then about a 1/3 of the way through the chapter King Lemuel’s mom starts talking seriously about what his future wife should look like. I’m not a mom yet, heck, I’m not even married yet. But! I know that by the time my boys come of age, they will have ingrained in their hearts the woman that is worthy of their own individual time. Hopefully, by God’s good grace it will be the woman outlined in Proverbs 31.

But for now, it is my sincerest hope that I become the woman in Proverbs 31. The way I was raised wasn’t necessarily easy, or gentle, or loving, or really full of hope…but because of my God I am being brought into my own identity as a woman of Christ, as a Proverbs 31 woman. I am not there yet, but I am working on it.

Today, while making pumpkin cookies and cleaning Samantha’s kitchen I realized that I am good at it.  I am good at doing things that other people don’t want to do because there’s a movie going on in the next room. I am good at baking, and cooking, and cleaning, because I find peace in it. I am able to feel something that I don’t feel anywhere else. I am alone during these times but there is an overwhelming joy and peace about it, it’s as if I belong. I don’t know if that’s weird but really, I love it. I find myself wanting to stay up later to clean and make treats and make lunches for the next day. I find myself wanting to get up before everyone else and make breakfast for them. It is hardwired in my heart, and spirit to be a proverbs 31 woman (an unconventional one, but hey!), and I did not know this until recently. I always thought that I would be so different! I don’t live by the rules; I walk on the wild side. I do things differently, that’s just who I am. I am certain that once I become a wife and a mother I won’t be perfect. There will be mornings that I won’t get up early, and nights that I will be too exhausted to keep my eyes open through dinner. But to know that I will be valued above rubies? To know that I will be a joy to my children and that my husband will be thankful and feel honored to call me his? Now that’s a goal I think is worth striving for.

As the Bride of Christ we are called as women to be this woman. To be His Queen. He longs for us to get up in the morning before everyone else and prepare for the day. He yearns for us to stay up after everyone has fallen asleep to seek His face. We are all called to be Proverbs 31 women. We are valued more than rubies in His eyes…More than life even. He yearns to praise us (v.28, 29). Jesus is calling us to be a Proverbs 31 woman…for Him.

Is the proverbs 31 woman a superhero? Yes! I believe that she is an everyday superhero with a Strength* like no other. I believe that like I believe that grass is green in the spring. I also believe that as a woman, we must have Christ as our strength.

 

*Strength (Philippians 4:13)

Strong

my heart faints at the thought of Your great love for me. It skips a beat thinking of how much you would do, what you would give just to see me come home to you.

I am at the point in my year where I would normally say, "It's time to do something else!"
You see, around fall I get very antsy and I need to go somewhere and do something. I am very change oriented. I cannot stand to be in one place for more than a year. That can be a problem, but it can also be very nice. I do want to get away. But I only want to get away for a few days at a time. I really feel like by spring I will no longer be in Portland. I have a huge desire to impact this world and I feel like I finally have His blessing. I refuse to be a christian who is all talk, and no action.

Looking back at my journal from summer I realized that I died. No longer have I been living for myself but everything I do, and everything I am because I have relied on Him to be my strength. As the joy of the Lord, I realize that strength and joy go together. I am not a strong woman by nurture. I was raised to be weak, and bendable to my surroundings and the people I am around. But Jesus has changed me. I am not who I once was. I am the girl that has joy. I don't think that people really understand how much that really means to me to have the ability to honestly say that. It's a literal miracle to know that I have joy. I realize that the only reason I am able to say that, is because I have allowed Him to be my strength.

This summer started out ridiculous. I did so many things that I am not anywhere near proud of. I have since repented and moved on. The thing is, I allowed my own depravity to catch up with me. I allowed it to overtake me. I allowed it to mess me up and lose sight. I became a closet depression case. I didn't want anybody to know. I figured they would start talking about me again. I hate it when people talk about my iniquities. I don't like everyone to know.

I was born into a sinful world. I have sinned, but I am a princess. I was born of a noble birth. There is inheritance that runs deep through my veins, just as it did through Abraham, David, and Jesus. I am loved just the same amount that they were. I am worth it. I was not called to be a lowly handmaiden, but a co-heir with Christ. I know that. That is knowledge within me that will never be taken away. I am beautiful, kind, funny, and full of hope. But, you see, the only reason that I have the ability to say, even think anything that comes close to that...is because I have leaned on Him. I have been gleaning every piece of knowledge and wisdom that I can from Him. I have indulged myself in His word. I have stayed quiet for so long, if only to listen to what He has had to say. My boldness was taken away to be refined and changed. I will stand for the things that I believe in. I will not allow people to walk over me. I am a set apart woman that is standing up for the things that He allows me to.

I have had everything stripped from me, I have been told that I don't belong, that I am a burden and that I can't do anything right...all this summer.
BUT! I have a Father that tells me the exact opposite of that.
He tells me that I am gifted. I am anointed. I am wise.

I am strong...but only because He is my strength.

My thoughts today June 3, 2009

How foolish am I that I have forgotten my first love?

Have I really been that blinded that I thought I could live without you?

Have my feet ben so confused that they've stepped off of your obvious path?

Has my pride been so consuming that it has turned away my soul from its Maker?

Who am I but the dust of the Earth?

I am nothing.

Made into ALL that you've called me to, by your blood am I purified.

You have never left, and I know that you don't plan to. 

Thank you that you are ONLY good.

You find joy in me.

Who would have guessed?! 

certainly not me!

I have sought.

I have found.

I have chosen.

There is a hope greater than circumstance.

There is a bloodline that runs deeper than all things that are against who I am and who I will be. 

I am not determined by what I seem to be, who others see me as, and who I say I am.

I think I found what I was looking for.

Can't believe I never thought to look before.

Your Love? It sought my unknowing spirit

Your Grace? Covered all my mistakes from my yesterdays.

Jesus, You are my everything.

All I need,

All I was looking for.

I have strived for so much, for so little. 

For what I thought was love. 

I needed arms around me.

I needed words to encompass me.

I needed satisfaction to find me at my weakest....

But I was lost. 

My tears were my only company. 

My hurts became my best friend.

My shame became so steady it was as my skin was

I feared if I moved on from the past I'd forget it.

My heart has yet to heal because of that, 

Mercy is my cry.

Grace is my reward.

I have forgiven myself.

I have forgiven others.

I am redeemed by the kinsmen redeemer.

He is my source.

He is my strength. 

He is my ALL. 

My Generation.

When will we learn that Jesus is the ONLY one that can satisfy our longing for something more?

My Generation, full of rebels, full of misfits, full of recklessness and hate, is a generation only seeking for someone to save us. A Saviour.

We are the Generation of Jacob.

We have tried it all.

We have tried being our own Saviors. We have turned to drugs to save us, they hurt us. We have turned to alcohol to save us, they hindered us. We have tried recklessness to get our adrenaline pumping.

Anything to make us feel alive.

We have wrestled with God, day and night, for our rights. For our blessings.

We will not relent until He has blessed us.

He will not relent until we are His.

When will we learn that He is the only one that can satisfy?

That we are His?

Mercy So Scandalous

It's days like today that helps me remember the mercy that was shown on calvary. It took me a long time to realize that grace and mercy are completely different, though both incredibly powerful. 

Grace is getting what you don't deserve.

Mercy is not getting what you do deserve. 

I have had to relearn that every day I have known the definition of them.  The only person that I know can convey the mercy that is necessary for day to day life is Jesus. Last night was very interesting after service with Dusty and Jeremy in the back room discussing how the enemy will do anything to keep you from being excited for the things that God has. I was stunned, to say the least, as I stood there in silence listening to these two men who Love God will ALL of their beings and whom I consider incredible brothers talk about how they allowed the enemy to control their emotions, and stamina for the night, in which they had so anticipated. That night Jesus blessed me with the return of my boldness, so my mouth opened and words actually came out! 

In II Corinthians 8:9 it says, "For you are becoming progressively acquainted with and recognizing more strongly and clearly the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ (His kindness, His gracious generosity, His undeserved favor and spiritual blessing), [in] that though He was [so very] rich, yet for your sakes He became [so very] poor, in order that by His poverty you might become enriched (abundantly supplied)." My Jesus was so inherently good that He did ALL that He could so that we could recognize that His Grace IS MORE than enough. We learn grace more and more everyday. New aspects of it and new epiphanies occur every day and that is exactly how it is supposed to be. I let them know that! Lack of Faith is NOT acceptable in the Kingdom.

Now Mercy.....mercy is a whole different story. 

Exodus 15:13

You in Your mercy and loving-kindness have led forth the people whom You have redeemed; You have guided them in Your strength to Your holy habitation.

It took me alot longer to accept mercy than it did to accept grace. If I did something wrong, I definitely deserved to be punished! The greatest example of mercy is the defeat of death itself. The bearer of the cross, Christ, made it so that we no longer need to fear death, He is on the other side waiting for us. That is the biggest deed of mercy, I think since the survivors of the fall of man. 

Human nature calls us to be demand Justice when things go wrong. Justice to the injustice! Pastor Brian has been speaking on that lately, and there is power to bringing justice to the brokenhearted, and justice to the poor and needy, justice to the widowed and orphaned. But, what if, instead of justice, we demanded mercy? How would that change the way that we think and/or administer hope? Would there be more words spoken than step taken? How different would it look? 

His mercy is so scandalous that with people like Bin Laden, Hussein, Hitler, & Stalin we demand justice, and He demands mercy. Who in the world finds a reason to be merciful to the most hated men to ever exist??? Certainly not any normal being I've met. 

I am convinced that God will do anything to get our attention. Even to the point of severe mercy. Where God will do anything to get our attention even to the point of losing everything. In order to get to the end of ourselves and into the throne room, He is willing to do anything, take away everything that you have, so that all you have is Him to cling to. Now, don't go confusing severe mercy as punishment, it is His Giant love that makes it happen. 

God has mercy so scandalous that He rescued YOU in your darkness...

Why not the darkest people? ;)

Love. :)

In Retrospect

Lately I've been in a very reflective state in the hopes of finding answers to questions I've been afraid to ask anyone but Jesus. In my life, I have been called melancholy more often than not, which if I was then that wouldn't/didn't help that people pointed it out but did nothing to help. But today Samantha said it and I wondered to myself if I was being melancholy, and I'm not that girl. Just because I am quiet does not make me depressed, it just means that I'm having an introverted day. Sure, I used to be that girl. I was convinced, for a long time, that I had developed or inherited my mother's bipolar tendencies. I could be up one minute and rock bottom the next minute. But, Jesus is my life...how would it be even slightly possible that I could be melancholy now?

During my recent times of reflection, I have realized, I'm not who anybody expected. Heck, I'm not who I expected. Coming from the life that I did, who would have thought I would have done all the things I have done, gone the places I have gone, and spoken the things I have spoken. I know that I have dreams bigger than me, bigger than you, bigger that the life I have now, and I wonder to myself, second guessing God, whether or not 'I'm worth it, they're worth it, if I can do it, if I have that authority, or power, or strength, if I can persevere through the unspoken trials that are about to come my way'. And then I remember who my God is. My God is the God who parted the Red Sea, My God is the God who enabled an old man to build an ark, My God is a God who promised an old man with no children that his children would be as many as the stars in the sky, my God has done infinite things and here I sit in my comfortable little life questioning as to whether He can fulfill His promises for me, if He'll come through like He said He would... who am I to question the King of Kings?

I sit here a whole month and a half from being home and I wonder where I'm going in life, panicking, worried because I can't find a job. How am I supposed to pay for the internship that I want to go to without a job? How am I supposed to survive without a job? How am I supposed to be able to bless the Kingdom without a job?
I can't.
But if I continue questioning Him, and my faith in Him, none of this shall come to pass.
I have been rescued from a life of terror, faithlessness, hopelessness, despair and melancholy are the banners of my family history.

Those chains have been broken over me and over the next generations in my family's future. And that, my friend, is a blessing and a promise fulfilled above all other promises.

When I think about all of the things I could have been, and all of the things I am I can't help but to laugh. I am so thankful that the God of my yesterdays is the God of my today and tomorrows. I can't help but to find great joy in that.

So in retrospect, I used to be melancholy, I used to be that girl with her head down and her heart closed, I used to be that girl that would talk forever but not actually say a thing...

I'm tattered, torn at the edges, I have holes in my heart that have been bandaged up, and I'm not a safe little Christian girl...
In Retrospect, I'm glad I made it here....