Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Father's Day and Feelings

I always title my blogs before I write them.
Probably because I tend to get off subject and looking at them makes me remember what the heck I'm talking about...

But this one, I feel like, I won't need a double take at to make sure of what I'm writing on.

I always hate Father's day, but every year just a little less than the year before. This year, I was determined to not cry. Well, I made it about five minutes into the service and the tears came.

For quite some years my heart felt like my daddy had abandoned me and I was resentful, hateful, and confused about fathers. When, however I began to trust God as my father, I had out of this world ideas as to what a dad was. I think I still do. But, I would always get upset when I saw father's mistreated or disregarded by their sons and daughters. My friends that have daddies, whether or not their parents are divorced have something I have spent my entire life longing for: Someone to run to when they're scared, hurt, confused or frustrated, someone who has a hard time saying no to them, someone that can't get enough of them and loves to see them smile. Now I know not every dad is like that. It would be foolish to think that all dads can do all of those things. But, I'm certain that in times of dire need there is DNA in a father's heart that will do anything to see their child continue on in their hopes to be a successful person.

I cannot think of a time when I have needed a father more than I have in these past 9 months. I have gone through judgment, trials, physical and spiritual pain, I have sinned beyond anybody's lowest expectations (including my own).
I have needed help, comfort, hope, peace, provision and joy.
All the things that a father is there to provide (amongst other things).
It took me a while to realize how quickly God was working in me, and I've only just today realized that it's His Father's heart that's done it all. He has given me help, comfort, hope, peace, provision, and restored my joy full measure.

Yet, that Sunday morning, I still found myself crying my eyes out. Yes, for joy in His Fatherly Love. But also in sorrow. You see, I will never get to have that childhood of a Dad, and all the benefits a young lady profits from that. But even now I long so badly for a tangible fatherly figure to yearn to raise me up and guide me, and I'm tired of being ashamed of that.

Enough of Father's Day.
Next year I won't cry from sorrow, that's my goal.
My God is a Good Dad and the rest of this year, I'm sure that, as always, He'll prove Himself faithful in that.