Friday, February 19, 2010

My tears are in the palm of His hand.....right?

Yesterday, I woke up with the sun shining in my eyes. Certain the day held treasures unexplored, I leapt out of bed and cracked my Bible hoping to glean the 1st treasure the day had in store for me. It did. Reading Isaiah, His grace and mercies were overwhelmingly evident. My heart was softened. I cried out to God for myself, my broken heart, a friend that needs Him just as much as I do, and a hundred other things. I got up and readied myself still pondering the words that I had just read and how quickly they were absorbed into my heart. I, subsequently, could not stop crying. There were tears everywhere...for 5 hours they wouldn't stop. Unfortunately, I had to the tears that were meant for only me to know about were plastered on my face for the rest of the world to enjoy. I was so frustrated that the wouldn't stop. I ended up finding a hiding place in the middle of the city and sitting down talking to God. I prayed that He would hold my tears back, that they wouldn't keep coming, and that they would be held in the palm of His hand, that none should fall to the ground. After that, I remembered that He holds me in the palm of His hand, that I won't fall to the ground. The tears didn't stop for another hour or so. But my heart was a little more at peace.

Today will be a better day, I'm sure. But one thing I know is that I'll be okay. Even in the darkest of times, there's always that light.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

A love she doesn't understand...

She yells at me in frustration, telling me that I matter to her, and that she doesn't matter to me...false. We've had this argument before and she always seems to win. I don't know how to show my love to someone who has expectations that surpass any expectations that I could ever fulfill. Never being able to measure up to who I should be has been something that has hurt me for most of my life. This love that I've been given was always conditional, and constantly thrown in my face whenever I fail. Never knowing when the next failure would come, I've learned to expect it. But that night...I gave up. I think I always knew that I would never be able to measure up to her thoughts of me that she had planned from my conception, but it finally really hit me that night. I don't know, and probably will never understand where she got this vision of who I would be, but I didn't end up that way and that just won't do. I've asked her so many times why I can't please her, why I'm not the person she wants me to be and I've never gotten a straight answer, just more yelling about something else I've done wrong that week or that day. She doesn't understand that I am not supposed to support her...I am not her crutch. I refuse to be, and that frustrates her...Sigh...I've come to realize that I will never be that woman that she expects. Its taken me 20 years to understand that; 20 years of fights, screaming, yelling, frustration, attitudes, disappointment, anger, hidden hate, and utter confusion. I can't please her. I'm tired and weak from trying so hard. I can't look to her for affirmation anymore. I'm moving forward, looking to Christ for affirmation now...which is altogether healthier, and more fulfilling. He sees me as a good daughter, though I fail, in His tender mercies He helps me back up and loves me without fail.

Though I'm just now learning what that means and my heart is just now attaining the understanding of what love truly is, I love much, whether you believe me or not. You can't stop my love. I'm sorry for everything that I never did right, and for unkind word that I ever spoke. I forgive you for all of your faults and everything that hurt me in these 20 years. This is me moving forward...
I love you.

Your Babygirl
P.S. You're beautiful.

She dropped me off that night at my friend's house, I got out of the car in the pouring rain, feeling like just another obligation. But I put a smile on my face saying, "I love you mom", shutting the door, walking through the rain crying, but not because of frustration, or anger, just a sadness knowing that I would never measure up to what she wanted and a certainty that she didn't know how much she was missing by expecting the world from a girl who couldn't provide it...

Thursday, February 4, 2010

I can rest assured.

I sit here, alone, in my pajamas still at 1:45 in the afternoon crying in desperation at my computer. If only because my anxious heart, my needy heart, my quick moving mind cannot stop moving, thinking, squeezing... Spending the whole morning in the Word, I realize that I have only just begun to know how much I mean to Jesus. I'm going through the book of John again and I cannot begin to express my wonder at Jesus and His love. So, I'm sitting here listening to Jesus Culture needing some...encouragement, I suppose, and the Spontaneous Song from the album a few years ago comes on.

The song is now on repeat. 

In the middle of it, Kim Walker sings, "I am my Beloved's and He is mine", over and over and over again. Song of Songs is one of my favorite books in the Bible and I know that verse comes from chapter 6, and my heart bursts at the thought of Jesus listening to me sing that and being pleased. When all the enemy wants me to think is that I am very unworthy to be called the King's Beloved, and I am. But as Jesus was adopted into the Line of David, so am I adopted into the line of Jesus, because He said so. John 1:12 tells me that I have power, as I have been adopted into the family of Christ. That thought means more to me than, I think, most people can understand.

Life has been really hectic lately, if only because of my own mistakes and Jesus is restoring me and breaking things in me that I didn't even know were there. But my brain hurts, my heart hurts, and my weary spirit is gaining Strength slowly, but surely. So to be really frank, I'm tired, weak, and weary from worrying and trying to fix everything. My head tells me that if I don't do it, it won't get done. My Jesus tells me, let me fix it and it will get done the right way. My quick fixes have only made things worse. The band aids I have put over my wounds have done nothing but cover the blood from flowing out of me, and still it leaks out... But Jesus says, "take off the band aids, and I'll heal it." When I hear that, immediately my brain starts up again running a thousand miles per hour as to how I can fix it.  
silly brain.

At the end of the song, Kim sings, "I can rest assured, cause I belong to You". 

So, I'm learning that I can rest assured, because I belong to Him. There is so much peace in that thought.

I'm trusting in You now Jesus, I know You won't let me down.