Thursday, October 29, 2009

In the palm of my Abba's hands

              Not having a daddy while I was growing up made it so I was deficient in areas that most of my friends aren't, even if their parents are divorced, most still know their dad. But I was lost as a girl not knowing how to act, react, or discipline myself. I knew that. I didn't know however that there was a Man that did care. A man that carried me in the palm of His hands from the day He sculpted me, put me in the kiln, and then painted me. Then? Then He called me lovely and made it so I was without fault. Then He sent me away. The story could stop there. The Creator made me. That could be the End. But this is something you gotta know. Not only is my Father a Creator... but my Father is an Author. Before He sent me here, He wrote 2 VERY important things regarding me. Before the dawn of creation, He wrote a book, this book was called Jenessa, it was my story. He wrote all of the good things, all of the bad things, all of the boring genealogy (that always ends up being super important). Also, a very long time ago, He wrote an instruction manual (The Bible) for all of mankind and I was lucky enough to get my hands on one of those.

            There have been seasons in my life that I have sat and rested in my Abba's palm, leaning back to know that He is here, to know that He is ever-faithful, ever-true. There have been seasons where I have been angry and frustrated at my Royal Dad. There have seasons when He has filled me with the Spirit, more than I thought I could ever hold as I am such a small vessel. But the season that I am in now has no definition yet. There is a righteous indignation in my heart at this world, at my small life, and at what He has made me capable of vs. what I have actually done. My heart is so big, I am filled with humility when I look at His word, when I look at His creation, and what they've done to themselves outside of His will. I don't understand His will for this world, a desperate world without hope. I am called to be a light, and people are attracted to light, I believe that I am a very bright light, because people are drawn to me. I believe in the promises that He has for my words. This season my heart is compressed, and urged to move forward in His callings, to move forward in His anointing for me, and I am...but every day I am convicted to speak to the nations, to use my hands for His hands, to go where He needs to go and I end up saying little things that seem meaningless, touching things that end up dying, and going where I want to go. I am a selfish creature that is learning how to become selfless in all that I do instead of just the things that I think are worthy of my time.

So this season, I'm in my Abba's palm, but He's taking me where He needs me to be, and I'm excited.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Multitude Monday

So, Pastor Elizabeth started doing "Multitude Monday" a while ago and has been encouraging everyone to do it. I looked into it today and it seems to be something that sounds great, and challenging. I decided to do it.

So by the end of the year, (which is my personal goal), I will have had 1,000 things that I am thankful for on this blog.

Here we go:
I am thankful that:
1. I am alive and well.
2. I am a saint lacking nothing.
3. Jesus is wholly, and unwaveringly in love with me.
4. I have a family.
5. I am rich in Him.
6. Through my despair and hopelessness, His word stands strong.
7. Though I have been wounded, His stripes have healed me.
8. My friends are worth dying for.
9. I have the ability to minister in any atmosphere, because He has enabled me to.
10. I am a beauty.
11. I am strong.
12. My hiding place is in His hands
13. I live in a country that is able to freely worship Him.
14. My life revolves around Him.
15. There is a reason for every season.

This is this weeks installment of Multitude Monday.

What are you thankful for?

Thursday, October 22, 2009


Ephesians 6:13:

Be prepared. You're up against far more than you can handle on your own. Take all the help you can get, every weapon God has issued, so that when it's all over but the shouting you'll still be on your feet. Truth, righteousness, peace, faith, and salvation are more than words. Learn how to apply them. You'll need them throughout your life. God's Word is an indispensable weapon. In the same way, prayer is essential in this ongoing warfare. Pray hard and long. Pray for your brothers and sisters. Keep your eyes open. Keep each other's spirits up so that no one falls behind or drops out.S

 I was definitely slapped in the face today. Completely unprepared for what was blatantly happening in the spiritual realm in the lives of my friends. The enemy has completely taken advantage of the lives of the people closest to me and perverted it to be horrifying to them. I spent my day frantically getting ready for a frate with a new friend, spending a few minutes with my cousin, and then leaving for a 5 hour frate, then coming home, watching my favorite show, and thinking about taking a nap. Meanwhile, outside of "LaLa Land", lives of two separate people that I am very close to are being individually, in completely different ways, torn apart. Wow. Can I say "UNPREPARED"?!?!?! I had no words to say, all I could do was hold them and tell them it was going to be okay. That God knew, and had them covered. As they cried in my arms, it was all I could do to not cry myself.

I don't do well with grief. I get away from it in anyway possible. I don't know how to cope and so I don't. I pretend it doesn't happen. Which is abnormal. Everyone always has an emotional reaction whereas my emotions tend to die and I become like a stone. So really I had no idea how to deal with it, so I stayed silent. I hope I did the right thing. I yearn to be a good friend. But next  time, I will be prepared. I will have words of wisdom. In the meantime, I will fight. That's what good friends do. I will fight for their lives and Jesus will intercede too. They'll be okay. I just know it.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Superwoman?! (My thoughts on Proverbs 31)

This chapter is a warning, or rather advice to a man from his mother to stay away from woman who won't necessarily help him prosper. I find it wonderful that a mother would be so wise to inform her son on how to choose a queen. You see, King Lemuel needed a queen and this woman, the one in proverbs 31, yeah, her…she is the depiction of a queen.

Okay, lets start from the beginning of the chapter…his mom definitely gave his the best advice that moms can give (also, slightly cliché). You know…the normal don’t get drunk; don’t say stupid stuff, etc. But then about a 1/3 of the way through the chapter King Lemuel’s mom starts talking seriously about what his future wife should look like. I’m not a mom yet, heck, I’m not even married yet. But! I know that by the time my boys come of age, they will have ingrained in their hearts the woman that is worthy of their own individual time. Hopefully, by God’s good grace it will be the woman outlined in Proverbs 31.

But for now, it is my sincerest hope that I become the woman in Proverbs 31. The way I was raised wasn’t necessarily easy, or gentle, or loving, or really full of hope…but because of my God I am being brought into my own identity as a woman of Christ, as a Proverbs 31 woman. I am not there yet, but I am working on it.

Today, while making pumpkin cookies and cleaning Samantha’s kitchen I realized that I am good at it.  I am good at doing things that other people don’t want to do because there’s a movie going on in the next room. I am good at baking, and cooking, and cleaning, because I find peace in it. I am able to feel something that I don’t feel anywhere else. I am alone during these times but there is an overwhelming joy and peace about it, it’s as if I belong. I don’t know if that’s weird but really, I love it. I find myself wanting to stay up later to clean and make treats and make lunches for the next day. I find myself wanting to get up before everyone else and make breakfast for them. It is hardwired in my heart, and spirit to be a proverbs 31 woman (an unconventional one, but hey!), and I did not know this until recently. I always thought that I would be so different! I don’t live by the rules; I walk on the wild side. I do things differently, that’s just who I am. I am certain that once I become a wife and a mother I won’t be perfect. There will be mornings that I won’t get up early, and nights that I will be too exhausted to keep my eyes open through dinner. But to know that I will be valued above rubies? To know that I will be a joy to my children and that my husband will be thankful and feel honored to call me his? Now that’s a goal I think is worth striving for.

As the Bride of Christ we are called as women to be this woman. To be His Queen. He longs for us to get up in the morning before everyone else and prepare for the day. He yearns for us to stay up after everyone has fallen asleep to seek His face. We are all called to be Proverbs 31 women. We are valued more than rubies in His eyes…More than life even. He yearns to praise us (v.28, 29). Jesus is calling us to be a Proverbs 31 woman…for Him.

Is the proverbs 31 woman a superhero? Yes! I believe that she is an everyday superhero with a Strength* like no other. I believe that like I believe that grass is green in the spring. I also believe that as a woman, we must have Christ as our strength.


*Strength (Philippians 4:13)

Tuesday, October 6, 2009


my heart faints at the thought of Your great love for me. It skips a beat thinking of how much you would do, what you would give just to see me come home to you.

I am at the point in my year where I would normally say, "It's time to do something else!"
You see, around fall I get very antsy and I need to go somewhere and do something. I am very change oriented. I cannot stand to be in one place for more than a year. That can be a problem, but it can also be very nice. I do want to get away. But I only want to get away for a few days at a time. I really feel like by spring I will no longer be in Portland. I have a huge desire to impact this world and I feel like I finally have His blessing. I refuse to be a christian who is all talk, and no action.

Looking back at my journal from summer I realized that I died. No longer have I been living for myself but everything I do, and everything I am because I have relied on Him to be my strength. As the joy of the Lord, I realize that strength and joy go together. I am not a strong woman by nurture. I was raised to be weak, and bendable to my surroundings and the people I am around. But Jesus has changed me. I am not who I once was. I am the girl that has joy. I don't think that people really understand how much that really means to me to have the ability to honestly say that. It's a literal miracle to know that I have joy. I realize that the only reason I am able to say that, is because I have allowed Him to be my strength.

This summer started out ridiculous. I did so many things that I am not anywhere near proud of. I have since repented and moved on. The thing is, I allowed my own depravity to catch up with me. I allowed it to overtake me. I allowed it to mess me up and lose sight. I became a closet depression case. I didn't want anybody to know. I figured they would start talking about me again. I hate it when people talk about my iniquities. I don't like everyone to know.

I was born into a sinful world. I have sinned, but I am a princess. I was born of a noble birth. There is inheritance that runs deep through my veins, just as it did through Abraham, David, and Jesus. I am loved just the same amount that they were. I am worth it. I was not called to be a lowly handmaiden, but a co-heir with Christ. I know that. That is knowledge within me that will never be taken away. I am beautiful, kind, funny, and full of hope. But, you see, the only reason that I have the ability to say, even think anything that comes close to because I have leaned on Him. I have been gleaning every piece of knowledge and wisdom that I can from Him. I have indulged myself in His word. I have stayed quiet for so long, if only to listen to what He has had to say. My boldness was taken away to be refined and changed. I will stand for the things that I believe in. I will not allow people to walk over me. I am a set apart woman that is standing up for the things that He allows me to.

I have had everything stripped from me, I have been told that I don't belong, that I am a burden and that I can't do anything right...all this summer.
BUT! I have a Father that tells me the exact opposite of that.
He tells me that I am gifted. I am anointed. I am wise.

I am strong...but only because He is my strength.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

My thoughts today June 3, 2009

How foolish am I that I have forgotten my first love?

Have I really been that blinded that I thought I could live without you?
Have my feet ben so confused that they've stepped off of your obvious path?
Has my pride been so consuming that it has turned away my soul from its Maker?

Who am I but the dust of the Earth?
I am nothing.
Made into ALL that you've called me to, by your blood am I purified.

You have never left, and I know that you don't plan to. 
Thank you that you are ONLY good.
You find joy in me.
Who would have guessed?! 
certainly not me!

I have sought.
I have found.
I have chosen.

There is a hope greater than circumstance.
There is a bloodline that runs deeper than all things that are against who I am and who I will be. 

I am not determined by what I seem to be, who others see me as, and who I say I am.

I think I found what I was looking for.
Can't believe I never thought to look before.
Your Love? It sought my unknowing spirit
Your Grace? Covered all my mistakes from my yesterdays.
Jesus, You are my everything.
All I need,
All I was looking for.

I have strived for so much, for so little. 
For what I thought was love. 
I needed arms around me.
I needed words to encompass me.
I needed satisfaction to find me at my weakest....
But I was lost. 

My tears were my only company. 
My hurts became my best friend.
My shame became so steady it was as my skin was

I feared if I moved on from the past I'd forget it.
My heart has yet to heal because of that, 
Mercy is my cry.
Grace is my reward.
I have forgiven myself.
I have forgiven others.
I am redeemed by the kinsmen redeemer.
He is my source.
He is my strength. 
He is my ALL. 

Thursday, May 14, 2009

My Generation.

When will we learn that Jesus is the ONLY one that can satisfy our longing for something more?

My Generation, full of rebels, full of misfits, full of recklessness and hate, is a generation only seeking for someone to save us. A Saviour.

We are the Generation of Jacob.
We have tried it all.
We have tried being our own Saviors. We have turned to drugs to save us, they hurt us. We have turned to alcohol to save us, they hindered us. We have tried recklessness to get our adrenaline pumping.

Anything to make us feel alive.

We have wrestled with God, day and night, for our rights. For our blessings.
We will not relent until He has blessed us.
He will not relent until we are His.

When will we learn that He is the only one that can satisfy?
That we are His?

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Mercy So Scandalous

It's days like today that helps me remember the mercy that was shown on calvary. It took me a long time to realize that grace and mercy are completely different, though both incredibly powerful. 
Grace is getting what you don't deserve.
Mercy is not getting what you do deserve. 

I have had to relearn that every day I have known the definition of them.  The only person that I know can convey the mercy that is necessary for day to day life is Jesus. Last night was very interesting after service with Dusty and Jeremy in the back room discussing how the enemy will do anything to keep you from being excited for the things that God has. I was stunned, to say the least, as I stood there in silence listening to these two men who Love God will ALL of their beings and whom I consider incredible brothers talk about how they allowed the enemy to control their emotions, and stamina for the night, in which they had so anticipated. That night Jesus blessed me with the return of my boldness, so my mouth opened and words actually came out! 

In II Corinthians 8:9 it says, "For you are becoming progressively acquainted with and recognizing more strongly and clearly the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ (His kindness, His gracious generosity, His undeserved favor and spiritual blessing), [in] that though He was [so very] rich, yet for your sakes He became [so very] poor, in order that by His poverty you might become enriched (abundantly supplied)." My Jesus was so inherently good that He did ALL that He could so that we could recognize that His Grace IS MORE than enough. We learn grace more and more everyday. New aspects of it and new epiphanies occur every day and that is exactly how it is supposed to be. I let them know that! Lack of Faith is NOT acceptable in the Kingdom.

Now Mercy.....mercy is a whole different story. 
Exodus 15:13
You in Your mercy and loving-kindness have led forth the people whom You have redeemed; You have guided them in Your strength to Your holy habitation.

It took me alot longer to accept mercy than it did to accept grace. If I did something wrong, I definitely deserved to be punished! The greatest example of mercy is the defeat of death itself. The bearer of the cross, Christ, made it so that we no longer need to fear death, He is on the other side waiting for us. That is the biggest deed of mercy, I think since the survivors of the fall of man. 

Human nature calls us to be demand Justice when things go wrong. Justice to the injustice! Pastor Brian has been speaking on that lately, and there is power to bringing justice to the brokenhearted, and justice to the poor and needy, justice to the widowed and orphaned. But, what if, instead of justice, we demanded mercy? How would that change the way that we think and/or administer hope? Would there be more words spoken than step taken? How different would it look? 
His mercy is so scandalous that with people like Bin Laden, Hussein, Hitler, & Stalin we demand justice, and He demands mercy. Who in the world finds a reason to be merciful to the most hated men to ever exist??? Certainly not any normal being I've met. 

I am convinced that God will do anything to get our attention. Even to the point of severe mercy. Where God will do anything to get our attention even to the point of losing everything. In order to get to the end of ourselves and into the throne room, He is willing to do anything, take away everything that you have, so that all you have is Him to cling to. Now, don't go confusing severe mercy as punishment, it is His Giant love that makes it happen. 

God has mercy so scandalous that He rescued YOU in your darkness...
Why not the darkest people? ;)

Love. :)

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

In Retrospect

Lately I've been in a very reflective state in the hopes of finding answers to questions I've been afraid to ask anyone but Jesus. In my life, I have been called melancholy more often than not, which if I was then that wouldn't/didn't help that people pointed it out but did nothing to help. But today Samantha said it and I wondered to myself if I was being melancholy, and I'm not that girl. Just because I am quiet does not make me depressed, it just means that I'm having an introverted day. Sure, I used to be that girl. I was convinced, for a long time, that I had developed or inherited my mother's bipolar tendencies. I could be up one minute and rock bottom the next minute. But, Jesus is my would it be even slightly possible that I could be melancholy now?
During my recent times of reflection, I have realized, I'm not who anybody expected. Heck, I'm not who I expected. Coming from the life that I did, who would have thought I would have done all the things I have done, gone the places I have gone, and spoken the things I have spoken. I know that I have dreams bigger than me, bigger than you, bigger that the life I have now, and I wonder to myself, second guessing God, whether or not 'I'm worth it, they're worth it, if I can do it, if I have that authority, or power, or strength, if I can persevere through the unspoken trials that are about to come my way'. And then I remember who my God is. My God is the God who parted the Red Sea, My God is the God who enabled an old man to build an ark, My God is a God who promised an old man with no children that his children would be as many as the stars in the sky, my God has done infinite things and here I sit in my comfortable little life questioning as to whether He can fulfill His promises for me, if He'll come through like He said He would... who am I to question the King of Kings?
I sit here a whole month and a half from being home and I wonder where I'm going in life, panicking, worried because I can't find a job. How am I supposed to pay for the internship that I want to go to without a job? How am I supposed to survive without a job? How am I supposed to be able to bless the Kingdom without a job?
I can't.
But if I continue questioning Him, and my faith in Him, none of this shall come to pass.
I have been rescued from a life of terror, faithlessness, hopelessness, despair and melancholy are the banners of my family history.
Those chains have been broken over me and over the next generations in my family's future. And that, my friend, is a blessing and a promise fulfilled above all other promises.
When I think about all of the things I could have been, and all of the things I am I can't help but to laugh. I am so thankful that the God of my yesterdays is the God of my today and tomorrows. I can't help but to find great joy in that.
So in retrospect, I used to be melancholy, I used to be that girl with her head down and her heart closed, I used to be that girl that would talk forever but not actually say a thing...

I'm tattered, torn at the edges, I have holes in my heart that have been bandaged up, and I'm not a safe little Christian girl...
In Retrospect, I'm glad I made it here....