Friday, July 23, 2010

Roughing It

I have been unemployed since December of 2008. But by God's Good Grace I have had everything I've needed at all times, even if at times it seemed as though I was 'roughing it'. I have always had a knack for not feeling as though I lack when it something I lack in the physical. However, if you were to bring up the internal, I would tell you that more than a hundred times I have felt as though I have less than most others. In the last few months, however, I can tell you I have felt more rich internally than a normal human being. I am so blessed by the Most High. I have been given so many riches and have been lavished with so many gifts in my mere 21 years. It took me this long to realize it. Although I still have to really think about it from time to time, I know deep down in my spirit that I am a princess of the King. I deserve nothing less than what a princess deserves. I have to remember however that I don't get say in what I get, but I have the peace in knowing that if it is from God, it's the best that I could ask for or even think of. I am so grateful right now. I have a job! Win. But it's something that I am good at. I am praying that I can keep it for quite some time. I am hoping that I can bless God with this job and that I can move forward.

I have had the pure joy of being able to "rough it", it is time for me to walk with a humble regality now. I am a princess of the Most High, but I am still His lowly handmaiden, and if all I do with my life is serve Him with my whole heart? Well, then I can say that I have lived a glorious life.


Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Father's Day and Feelings

I always title my blogs before I write them.
Probably because I tend to get off subject and looking at them makes me remember what the heck I'm talking about...

But this one, I feel like, I won't need a double take at to make sure of what I'm writing on.

I always hate Father's day, but every year just a little less than the year before. This year, I was determined to not cry. Well, I made it about five minutes into the service and the tears came.

For quite some years my heart felt like my daddy had abandoned me and I was resentful, hateful, and confused about fathers. When, however I began to trust God as my father, I had out of this world ideas as to what a dad was. I think I still do. But, I would always get upset when I saw father's mistreated or disregarded by their sons and daughters. My friends that have daddies, whether or not their parents are divorced have something I have spent my entire life longing for: Someone to run to when they're scared, hurt, confused or frustrated, someone who has a hard time saying no to them, someone that can't get enough of them and loves to see them smile. Now I know not every dad is like that. It would be foolish to think that all dads can do all of those things. But, I'm certain that in times of dire need there is DNA in a father's heart that will do anything to see their child continue on in their hopes to be a successful person.

I cannot think of a time when I have needed a father more than I have in these past 9 months. I have gone through judgment, trials, physical and spiritual pain, I have sinned beyond anybody's lowest expectations (including my own).
I have needed help, comfort, hope, peace, provision and joy.
All the things that a father is there to provide (amongst other things).
It took me a while to realize how quickly God was working in me, and I've only just today realized that it's His Father's heart that's done it all. He has given me help, comfort, hope, peace, provision, and restored my joy full measure.

Yet, that Sunday morning, I still found myself crying my eyes out. Yes, for joy in His Fatherly Love. But also in sorrow. You see, I will never get to have that childhood of a Dad, and all the benefits a young lady profits from that. But even now I long so badly for a tangible fatherly figure to yearn to raise me up and guide me, and I'm tired of being ashamed of that.

Enough of Father's Day.
Next year I won't cry from sorrow, that's my goal.
My God is a Good Dad and the rest of this year, I'm sure that, as always, He'll prove Himself faithful in that.


Thursday, May 27, 2010

Scribbles of a Quarantined girl...

I write funny.

Going through my journals yesterday out of sheer boredom, proved to me once more that my heart is somewhat....erm...romantic. I long for moments like the ideal 50's lifestyle. Honestly, I can sometimes be socially awkward because occasionally I have a tendency to envelope myself in a fantasy world, or at least yearn for one... You can credit that to my childhood and my almost constant book reading in order to escape my real life. Stories in my head have become better than the books I could read. How ever funny I write, I am a good writer.

But being a funny writer is not the point of this entry. So let's move on, yes? (yes, I do realize that I have weird structure as well. shhhh!)

I have said this alot recently, but I'm going to say it again: "I have the weirdest life EVER!"

No, seriously. It's the weirdest, craziest, funniest, most random life out of everyone I know.
At 20 years of age, almost 21 now....weird...
But at 20 years of age there has been so much crap crammed into my life.

Sure, there has been a load of sunshine, and daisies...but realistically...
I can't even begin to explain how I feel right now...

Being sick and quarantined all week (I'm supposed to be quarantined for 1-3 more weeks) has made me realize these things (again):

  • I have been fearfully and wonderfully made
  • I am not forgotten, no matter how much I feel like I am
  • My friends are ridiculous, and I love them so much.
  • My family is crazy. Period.
  • I get lonely really quickly.
  • My heart is restless. That's just gonna be normal from birth til death....
  • I hate getting sick.
  • I hate having to go to hospitals.
  • I turn into a baby when I'm sick.
  • Otter pops are completely underrated. I have fallen in love with them.
  • The simplest thing can turn my day around...
  • Words are overrated
  • I am strong. Like...incredibly strong.
  • I surprise myself alot.
Thinking about this year, I can't even begin to explain the change in me that has occurred. It's overwhelming, and I can't help but laugh when I think about it. 

When you ask for fire, beware, He is SO faithful...He'll make sure that you get pretty warm... ;)


Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Pillars sculptured in palace style

Psalm 144:12- "When our sons shall be as plants grown large in their youth and our daughters as sculptured corner pillars hewn like those of a palace"

Pastor Brian, a couple years ago, made this verse be pounded into our head. I remember it to this day and chuckle about how serious he was about making sure that we understood, as a generation, who we were supposed to be. I didn't really understand it to the full extent that I do now. I had a sort of revelation yesterday while reading 1 Kings.

1 Kings 7:15-22
He fashioned the two pillars of bronze, each eighteen cubits high, and a line of twelve cubits measured its circumference.
He made two capitals of molten bronze to set upon the tops of the pillars; the height of each capital was five cubits.
Nets of checkerwork and wreaths of chainwork for the capitals were on the tops of the pillars, seven for each capital.
So Hiram made the pillars. There were two rows of pomegranates encircling each network to cover the capitals that were upon the top.
The capitals that were upon the top of the pillars in the porch were of lily work [design], four cubits.
The capitals were upon the two pillars and also above the rounded projection beside the network. There were 200 pomegranates in two rows round about, and so with the other capital.
Hiram set up the pillars of the porch of the temple; he set up the right pillar and called its name Jachin [he will establish], and he set up the left pillar and called its name Boaz [in strength].
On the tops of the pillars was lily work [design]. So the work of the pillars was finished.

This portion of scripture is just a bunch of words about how specific the temple of the Lord was to be made and how it WAS indeed made. But when the words from psalms that lie in my heart in addition to this 1Kings scripture it put me over the top.
As women of God, we are to be pillars sculptured in palace style. This description of the pillars that we sculpted for the temple of the Lord, is how I am formed! So intricate, and lovely. So specific and valuable. With love and expectation.

He is SO Good.

With Love,

Monday, March 1, 2010

March 1st...

"The greatest thing is to be found at one's post as a child of God, living each day as though it were our last, but planning as though our world might last a hundred years."
-C.S. Lewis

Listen. I struggle with living each day as though it were my last, because I'm focusing so much on the next hundred years. But, my friend, let me tell ya somethin. I am such a blessed babygirl. He can't take His eyes off of me. He's so enamored with me, in this season I've understood that more than ever.  His everlasting light shines even brighter in my darkness. The brightside? As I am fully human there is darkness everywhere and I'm just now realizing that... God is so Good. He doesn't know any difference. 

 Today is March 1, 2010. Someone asked me if I ever imagined myself ever being where I am today. I responded quietly with a silent shake of my head. "No," I thought, "I never would have thought I'd be where I'm at.... ever" Happily, however, I remember that He did. He's always known. What a relief. His feelings about me have not changed. He's still in love with the woman He created me to be. 


March 1st, 2010. Wow. Can you believe it? Hah! I woke up this morning and breathed a sigh of relief, thinking that I'm one day, one month, closer to something that I just cannot wait for... I realized that I'm not living today for today. Seriously though, I am so blessed. Today was a great day. I enjoyed me. That's never happened. I didn't go stir crazy. I just began to understand a few great things about who He is, and who He created me to be, and I stopped questioning Him. I mean...Seriously, Jesus is SOOOO terrific! :D He made me just how He wanted me, and though I'm still learning who that little girl is, I'm enjoying dwelling within His love. So, March 1st came and is about to be gone and let me tell you something...though I may be a little closer that thing that I'm looking forward to, I am living for today and planning my hundreds of years...


Being a daughter of the King is something I'm just now learning to enjoy...
I'm loving it;)

Friday, February 19, 2010

My tears are in the palm of His hand.....right?

Yesterday, I woke up with the sun shining in my eyes. Certain the day held treasures unexplored, I leapt out of bed and cracked my Bible hoping to glean the 1st treasure the day had in store for me. It did. Reading Isaiah, His grace and mercies were overwhelmingly evident. My heart was softened. I cried out to God for myself, my broken heart, a friend that needs Him just as much as I do, and a hundred other things. I got up and readied myself still pondering the words that I had just read and how quickly they were absorbed into my heart. I, subsequently, could not stop crying. There were tears everywhere...for 5 hours they wouldn't stop. Unfortunately, I had to the tears that were meant for only me to know about were plastered on my face for the rest of the world to enjoy. I was so frustrated that the wouldn't stop. I ended up finding a hiding place in the middle of the city and sitting down talking to God. I prayed that He would hold my tears back, that they wouldn't keep coming, and that they would be held in the palm of His hand, that none should fall to the ground. After that, I remembered that He holds me in the palm of His hand, that I won't fall to the ground. The tears didn't stop for another hour or so. But my heart was a little more at peace.

Today will be a better day, I'm sure. But one thing I know is that I'll be okay. Even in the darkest of times, there's always that light.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

A love she doesn't understand...

She yells at me in frustration, telling me that I matter to her, and that she doesn't matter to me...false. We've had this argument before and she always seems to win. I don't know how to show my love to someone who has expectations that surpass any expectations that I could ever fulfill. Never being able to measure up to who I should be has been something that has hurt me for most of my life. This love that I've been given was always conditional, and constantly thrown in my face whenever I fail. Never knowing when the next failure would come, I've learned to expect it. But that night...I gave up. I think I always knew that I would never be able to measure up to her thoughts of me that she had planned from my conception, but it finally really hit me that night. I don't know, and probably will never understand where she got this vision of who I would be, but I didn't end up that way and that just won't do. I've asked her so many times why I can't please her, why I'm not the person she wants me to be and I've never gotten a straight answer, just more yelling about something else I've done wrong that week or that day. She doesn't understand that I am not supposed to support her...I am not her crutch. I refuse to be, and that frustrates her...Sigh...I've come to realize that I will never be that woman that she expects. Its taken me 20 years to understand that; 20 years of fights, screaming, yelling, frustration, attitudes, disappointment, anger, hidden hate, and utter confusion. I can't please her. I'm tired and weak from trying so hard. I can't look to her for affirmation anymore. I'm moving forward, looking to Christ for affirmation now...which is altogether healthier, and more fulfilling. He sees me as a good daughter, though I fail, in His tender mercies He helps me back up and loves me without fail.

Though I'm just now learning what that means and my heart is just now attaining the understanding of what love truly is, I love much, whether you believe me or not. You can't stop my love. I'm sorry for everything that I never did right, and for unkind word that I ever spoke. I forgive you for all of your faults and everything that hurt me in these 20 years. This is me moving forward...
I love you.

Your Babygirl
P.S. You're beautiful.

She dropped me off that night at my friend's house, I got out of the car in the pouring rain, feeling like just another obligation. But I put a smile on my face saying, "I love you mom", shutting the door, walking through the rain crying, but not because of frustration, or anger, just a sadness knowing that I would never measure up to what she wanted and a certainty that she didn't know how much she was missing by expecting the world from a girl who couldn't provide it...

Thursday, February 4, 2010

I can rest assured.

I sit here, alone, in my pajamas still at 1:45 in the afternoon crying in desperation at my computer. If only because my anxious heart, my needy heart, my quick moving mind cannot stop moving, thinking, squeezing... Spending the whole morning in the Word, I realize that I have only just begun to know how much I mean to Jesus. I'm going through the book of John again and I cannot begin to express my wonder at Jesus and His love. So, I'm sitting here listening to Jesus Culture needing some...encouragement, I suppose, and the Spontaneous Song from the album a few years ago comes on.

The song is now on repeat. 

In the middle of it, Kim Walker sings, "I am my Beloved's and He is mine", over and over and over again. Song of Songs is one of my favorite books in the Bible and I know that verse comes from chapter 6, and my heart bursts at the thought of Jesus listening to me sing that and being pleased. When all the enemy wants me to think is that I am very unworthy to be called the King's Beloved, and I am. But as Jesus was adopted into the Line of David, so am I adopted into the line of Jesus, because He said so. John 1:12 tells me that I have power, as I have been adopted into the family of Christ. That thought means more to me than, I think, most people can understand.

Life has been really hectic lately, if only because of my own mistakes and Jesus is restoring me and breaking things in me that I didn't even know were there. But my brain hurts, my heart hurts, and my weary spirit is gaining Strength slowly, but surely. So to be really frank, I'm tired, weak, and weary from worrying and trying to fix everything. My head tells me that if I don't do it, it won't get done. My Jesus tells me, let me fix it and it will get done the right way. My quick fixes have only made things worse. The band aids I have put over my wounds have done nothing but cover the blood from flowing out of me, and still it leaks out... But Jesus says, "take off the band aids, and I'll heal it." When I hear that, immediately my brain starts up again running a thousand miles per hour as to how I can fix it.  
silly brain.

At the end of the song, Kim sings, "I can rest assured, cause I belong to You". 

So, I'm learning that I can rest assured, because I belong to Him. There is so much peace in that thought.

I'm trusting in You now Jesus, I know You won't let me down.