Saturday, February 13, 2010

A love she doesn't understand...

She yells at me in frustration, telling me that I matter to her, and that she doesn't matter to me...false. We've had this argument before and she always seems to win. I don't know how to show my love to someone who has expectations that surpass any expectations that I could ever fulfill. Never being able to measure up to who I should be has been something that has hurt me for most of my life. This love that I've been given was always conditional, and constantly thrown in my face whenever I fail. Never knowing when the next failure would come, I've learned to expect it. But that night...I gave up. I think I always knew that I would never be able to measure up to her thoughts of me that she had planned from my conception, but it finally really hit me that night. I don't know, and probably will never understand where she got this vision of who I would be, but I didn't end up that way and that just won't do. I've asked her so many times why I can't please her, why I'm not the person she wants me to be and I've never gotten a straight answer, just more yelling about something else I've done wrong that week or that day. She doesn't understand that I am not supposed to support her...I am not her crutch. I refuse to be, and that frustrates her...Sigh...I've come to realize that I will never be that woman that she expects. Its taken me 20 years to understand that; 20 years of fights, screaming, yelling, frustration, attitudes, disappointment, anger, hidden hate, and utter confusion. I can't please her. I'm tired and weak from trying so hard. I can't look to her for affirmation anymore. I'm moving forward, looking to Christ for affirmation now...which is altogether healthier, and more fulfilling. He sees me as a good daughter, though I fail, in His tender mercies He helps me back up and loves me without fail.


Mama,
Though I'm just now learning what that means and my heart is just now attaining the understanding of what love truly is, I love you...so much, whether you believe me or not. You can't stop my love. I'm sorry for everything that I never did right, and for unkind word that I ever spoke. I forgive you for all of your faults and everything that hurt me in these 20 years. This is me moving forward...
I love you.

Love,
Your Babygirl
P.S. You're beautiful.


She dropped me off that night at my friend's house, I got out of the car in the pouring rain, feeling like just another obligation. But I put a smile on my face saying, "I love you mom", shutting the door, walking through the rain crying, but not because of frustration, or anger, just a sadness knowing that I would never measure up to what she wanted and a certainty that she didn't know how much she was missing by expecting the world from a girl who couldn't provide it...

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