Tuesday, May 5, 2009

In Retrospect

Lately I've been in a very reflective state in the hopes of finding answers to questions I've been afraid to ask anyone but Jesus. In my life, I have been called melancholy more often than not, which if I was then that wouldn't/didn't help that people pointed it out but did nothing to help. But today Samantha said it and I wondered to myself if I was being melancholy, and I'm not that girl. Just because I am quiet does not make me depressed, it just means that I'm having an introverted day. Sure, I used to be that girl. I was convinced, for a long time, that I had developed or inherited my mother's bipolar tendencies. I could be up one minute and rock bottom the next minute. But, Jesus is my life...how would it be even slightly possible that I could be melancholy now?
During my recent times of reflection, I have realized, I'm not who anybody expected. Heck, I'm not who I expected. Coming from the life that I did, who would have thought I would have done all the things I have done, gone the places I have gone, and spoken the things I have spoken. I know that I have dreams bigger than me, bigger than you, bigger that the life I have now, and I wonder to myself, second guessing God, whether or not 'I'm worth it, they're worth it, if I can do it, if I have that authority, or power, or strength, if I can persevere through the unspoken trials that are about to come my way'. And then I remember who my God is. My God is the God who parted the Red Sea, My God is the God who enabled an old man to build an ark, My God is a God who promised an old man with no children that his children would be as many as the stars in the sky, my God has done infinite things and here I sit in my comfortable little life questioning as to whether He can fulfill His promises for me, if He'll come through like He said He would... who am I to question the King of Kings?
I sit here a whole month and a half from being home and I wonder where I'm going in life, panicking, worried because I can't find a job. How am I supposed to pay for the internship that I want to go to without a job? How am I supposed to survive without a job? How am I supposed to be able to bless the Kingdom without a job?
I can't.
But if I continue questioning Him, and my faith in Him, none of this shall come to pass.
I have been rescued from a life of terror, faithlessness, hopelessness, despair and melancholy are the banners of my family history.
Those chains have been broken over me and over the next generations in my family's future. And that, my friend, is a blessing and a promise fulfilled above all other promises.
When I think about all of the things I could have been, and all of the things I am I can't help but to laugh. I am so thankful that the God of my yesterdays is the God of my today and tomorrows. I can't help but to find great joy in that.
So in retrospect, I used to be melancholy, I used to be that girl with her head down and her heart closed, I used to be that girl that would talk forever but not actually say a thing...

I'm tattered, torn at the edges, I have holes in my heart that have been bandaged up, and I'm not a safe little Christian girl...
In Retrospect, I'm glad I made it here....

1 comment:

  1. well written :) Im so glad that the love of God changes us to be different... :) Love you!

    ReplyDelete